Something To Fight For
by jediserenity82
Summary: The war's over, but the fight is only just beginning. In his gut, Kaidan Alenko knows that the woman he loves is still alive. With the help of their friends, the Normandy sets off to find her. Set directly after ME3 (destroy ending). Rated M for future chapters. FemShep/Kaidan
1. Can't Let Go

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: Please excuse any typos I may have missed!

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Chapter One

Can't Let Go

Kaidan Alenko stared at the Normandy's memorial wall, plaque in hand. How was he supposed to add _her_ name to list of the dead? Not hers. He sucked in a ragged breath. _I can't do this._

He felt a gentle hand rest on his shoulder. Turning his head, he found the sorrowful and sympathetic blue eyes of Liara T'Soni. "Kaidan, I know how hard this is, but her names deserves to be up there."

He shook his head. "We don't know if she's...gone. Not for sure. I...I can't accept that. She's alive. I can feel it."

"Kaidan..."

He turned his attention back to the wall. "Until we find her, please just let me dream that there's a chance."

The Asari woman sighed, blinking back tears, and gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze before stepping away, leaving him to his grief.

At some point during his scattered thoughts, he had somehow managed to bring himself to Shepard's cabin, a place he had spent many nights with her wrapped in his arms. Taking a shaky breath, he allowed his honey brown eyes to scan the room, half expecting to see her sprawled out on the bed on her stomach, shuffling through datapads.

Seeing the bed completely empty nearly broke him. Why was he torturing himself like this? Surrounding himself with her belongings. A hint of her floral shampoo still clung to the air like some cruel joke.

Walking over to her desk, he reached into his pocket, pulling out the small box that had been torturing him for the past week. The last purchase he had made at the Citadel while they were on shore leave.

With shaky hands, he flipped the lid open and stared at the only content inside. The ring was simple; a small diamond nestled between two slightly smaller sapphires in a platinum band. Amara was never one for jewelry, not in their line of work. But he had hoped that it was simple enough for her tastes, with enough elegance that she deserved.

The gems glistened mockingly at him under the fluorescent lighting.

He had never gotten the chance to ask her. Everytime he tried, he had been either interrupted or he had simply lost his nerve, his stupid mouth just didn't want to cooperate with him. But during the final push to the beam, Shepard had forced him and Garrus to evacuate the battlefield. He had begged her not to leave him behind. Not again.

He could still feel her hand pressed against his cheek, could still hear her whispering that no matter what happened, she would always love him. He watched her turn and race towards the beam with the remaining soldiers, each step she took away from him, the more he struggled against Garrus' grip. He'd finally yelled out "marry me" to her retreating form, but with all of the gunfire and chaos, she hadn't heard him.

Kaidan knew, deep down, that Amara Shepard was alive. Somehow, somewhere, he would find her this time. He wouldn't spend another two years in the dark, mourning the woman he loved, only to find out later that she was alive and working for Cerberus.

He closed his eyes, remembering the first time he had lost her. When the Collector's attacked the Normandy SR-1, Kaidan's first instinct was to run to Shepard, to protect her at all costs, everything else came second. He had found her safe, and as usually, completely calm while the rest of the crew were screaming and running for the EVAC shuttles. She was doing what she did best, making sure that the surviving crew members made it off the ship.

When he informed her that Joker refused to leave the cockpit and abandon ship, she never hesitated. Amara ordered Kaidan to get the remaining crew to the EVAC pods. He'd refused at first, he couldn't leave her behind. But her voice, so sure and certain that things were going to be okay, he relented. She was Commander Shepard, after all. Nothing could bring her down.

Kaidan had tracked the final pod, knowing they would be in it. But opening the pod and finding Joker alone, his heart stopped. "_Shepard?"_

The flight Lieutenant had simply shook his head, the haunted expression on his face revealing everything that should be said, but couldn't be. She hadn't made it.

Kaidan had fallen to his knees, the realization of losing Amara too much to handle. She was gone, and he had never gotten the chance to tell her that he loved her...

The Alliance searched for weeks for any signs of her body, finally coming to the conclusion that it had been too badly burned as it entered the atmosphere of Alchera. They had only managed to find her dog tags, which Kaidan had taken and worn around his neck.

After her memorial, he immersed himself into his work and into the Alliance. Their destruction of both Saren and Sovereign had earned him a promotion he hadn't felt he deserved. Shepard had done the real work, he had just been along for the ride and to help where he could.

Despite engrossing himself in work, it hadn't helped ease the pain of losing her, and it didn't help that the Normandy's crew had become famous – he was constantly having to turn down offers for drinks by a lot of women. It had been too soon.

Reports of Amara being alive had begun to surface on the Citadel just days before Councilor Anderson had sent him to protect Horizon – a small human-populated planet in the Iera system – calculating that it was the most likely the next target to be hit.

At the time, the Alliance believed that Cerberus was behind the human abductions, and Kaidan had been sent to investigate. When the reports that Shepard was alive and working for the terrorist organization started, the man couldn't believe it – he wouldn't believe it. There was no way that the woman he loved, the woman he had watch protect the innocent, would never ally herself with the likes of them.

But the moment he saw Amara standing there, still engulfed within the blue haze of her biotics, it was like his entire world stopped, narrowing down to focus only on her. He had never felt so many conflicting emotions at once; joy, relief, fear, rage. She stood there, as powerful and as beautiful as ever, and it took his breath away. Her crimson hair was longer than he remembered, sticking to her forehead and wild around her face. Pale skin flushed, her emerald green eyes searching the perimeter for more danger.

From where he had stood, he could see the scarring along her cheeks and jawline, the only indication that anything had even happened to her, which was quite different than the image his imagination had originally conjured up...the image that had haunted his dreams for the past two years.

Kaidan's first instinct had been to run to her, to wrap her in his arms; to feel her warm, living, breathing body against his. He yearned to hear and feel her heartbeat. The compulsion to run to her was nearly staggering. He held himself back, though. How could he be sure it was really her, and not some AI posing as the woman he loved. But she certainly _looked _like his Shepard.

But if it was really her...why hadn't she contacted him? Two years and not one call? Nothing at all?

_Amara seemed just as torn to see him, her eyes searching his face the entire time he approached her, taking a small, hesitant step back. He could tell that she knew he was angry, by the way she gently chewed on her bottom lip._

_She was flanked by Garrus Vakarian, a Turian ex-C-sec officer who had helped them defeat Saren and Sovereign, and a Krogan he didn't know. They both stood protectively beside her the closer he came, the Krogan's shotgun aimed and at the ready until Shepard's hand came up, indicating that he lower his weapon. "Easy, Grunt. "_

_He sneered, but did as she asked and took a step back. The Turian had been a little more relaxed, but his bird-like blue eyes narrowed slightly._

Amara Shepard had always been one to inspire loyalty in those she worked with.

_He stood, staring into her green eyes for the longest time, searching for answers as she nervously shuffled her feet, not knowing what to do or say._

Kaidan took a deep breath. He would always regret his actions on Horizon, the way he had treated her. If he had only taken the time to listen to her, they wouldn't have lost more time together.

"_Kaidan," she whispered as he finally took her into his arms, not being able to stop himself. She felt and smelled like _his _Shepard. _

"_I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did." The scent of her hair, though sweaty from battle was so familiar that he'd nearly lost it._

"_It's been too long, Kaidan." she breathed as he reluctantly pulled away from her. "How've you been?"_

_And just like that, the anger was back. "That's all you've got to say? You show up after two years and act like nothing happened?"_

_The tone of his voice made Amara take a step back, confusion and hurt evident in her features, and she was chewing on her bottom lip again. A trait of hers that he had loved about her. She had never been easy to read, but that one little habit showed her vulnerability when she was nervous._

_This time, however, it just pissed him off more. "I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real. I-I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"_

"_That wasn't by choice, Kaidan. I spent the last two years in some sort of coma while Cerberus basically rebuilt me." she said, her voice pained._

_Kaidan's heart sank and he took several steps back from her. He could feel his biotics start to tingle as anger and the sense of betrayal settled over him. "You're with Cerberus now. Garrus, too. I can't believe the reports were right."_

_Garrus took protective step towards Shepard, his blue, bird-like eyes glaring at Kaidan, and he snorted. "Reports. You mean you already knew."_

_He nodded. "Alliance Intel got reports that Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. I got a tip that this colony might be the next to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors that you weren't dead. That you were working for the enemy."_

_Amara frowned, crossing her arms over her chest defensively. "Cerberus and I want the same thing; to save our colonies, but that doesn't mean I answer to them."_

_Kaidan scoffed. "Do you really believe that, or is that what they want you to think? I wanted to believe the rumors were true, that you were alive. But I never expected anything like this! You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed _me_."_

"_Now wait just a damn minute, Kaidan." Garrus' angry voice snapped, but Amara held up her hand to silence him. A low growl rumbled in his chest, but he backed off._

"_No, it's okay, Garrus," she assured him as she turned her green eyes back to Kaidan. "You know me. You know I would only do this for the right reasons. You saw it yourself, the Collector's are targeting human colonies and they're working with the Reapers."_

_His brown eyes searched her face. She seemed so sincere. She truly believed that she was doing the right thing. He sighed. "I want to believe you, Shepard, but I _don't _trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if _they're _working with the Collectors?"_

_Grunt shifted his weapon in hands. "Can I shoot him now?"_

"_No," Amara and Garrus both scolded the Krogan. _

"_You guys are no fun." he mumbled, glaring at Kaidan._

_Shepard turned back to Kaidan, her emerald eyes pleading for him to understand. "You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts."_

"_Maybe I am. Or maybe _you _feel like you owe them for saving you. Maybe _you're _the one not thinking straight. You've changed, but I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier, always will be." he paused, trying to force himself to be strong willed and not succume to the hurt expression on her face. "I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not."_

_He started to turn, to walk away from her, feeling his resolve start to crumble. She looked so hurt…_

"_I could really use someone like you on my team, Kaidan. It'd be just like old times."_

_Did she really just ask him to join her? Had this been another time, another situation, he would have jumped at the chance. He never felt complete during her absence, but he wouldn't abandon the Alliance. "No, it won't. I'll never work for Cerberus." He had to go, to distance himself from the temptation that was Amara Shepard. "Goodbye, Shepard. Be careful…"_

If only he had listened to her instead of storming off the way he had. His fingers traced over the memorial plaque again. It had hurt to walk away from her on Horizon just as badly as it had when he thought she was gone. He had regretted what he had said almost instantly, but by the time he had turned back, to stop her from leaving, she had been aboard a shuttle off planet. Like she couldn't have gotten away from him fast enough.

He couldn't blame her. He sent her an email a few days later, apologizing for his actions, but she never responded. Kaidan knew he had hurt her badly, and he hated himself for it.

It was sort of funny, in a way, that it had been the arrival of the Reapers that had forced them back together. When he had nearly been killed on Mars, Amara had rushed him to the Citadel as quickly as she could, and stayed for as long as she was able while he was unconscious. His doctor's told him how a "pretty redhead" had been camped outside of his hospital room for the past few days, until she was forced to leave for Palaven.

It made him determined to make everything right between them again. They had lost so much time, thanks to the Collectors, Cerberus, the Alliance, and his sheer stubbornness.

He wasn't going to let it happen again.

Resolved, he left the cabin and made his way towards the Normandy's main battery. He found Garrus leaning against the console, staring into space. The Turian hadn't said much since Shepard had the two of them EVACED from London's battlefield. He knew Amara's fate weighed heavily on him, too.

Garrus and Shepard had developed a close bond during their time with Cerberus. How close, Kaidan wasn't entirely sure, but he had always respected the Turian, especially after he had stood up against him in her defense on Horizon.

And right now, he had information that the Major needed. He hoped so, at least.

"Hey there, Alenko." Garrus greeted him, his normally playful tone was now emotionless, defeated. "How are you holding up?" he paused. "Okay, that was a stupid question, I know. But you look like you haven't slept."

"I haven't," Kaidan admitted. "I just keep thinking that she's out there somewhere, Garrus. Alone, hurt. But I think she's alive. I need to find her." his voice broke with emotion. "One way or another."

The Turian nodded. "I've considered that myself. There's no one in the entire galaxy tougher and more resilient than Shepard." he sighed, crossing his arms over his armored chest. "But Kaidan, we need to move fast. If she's badly injured and hasn't been found, she...doesn't have much time."

"Agreed. I doubt any of the crew will oppose a search and rescue, but I'm going to call everyone into the briefing room, find out where everyone stands. Don't want to force anyone…" his voice trailed off. "If...if she's badly hurt, we may need some of Shepard's old Cerberus' contacts." The admission tasted bitter and foul on his tongue, but it was all he had.

"Liara should still have Jacob and Miranda's contact information. They cared about Amara, so I'm sure they will be more than willing to help, assuming of course, they're both still alive. And you know I'm in, of course."

Kaidan clasped the Turian on the back. "Thanks, Garrus. I knew I could count on you."

Garrus looked the man in the eye, his tone deadly serious. "That's my best friend out there, Alenko. The galaxy may be ready to give up on her, but not you, and sure as hell not me."

The Major rubbed his hands over his face, physically and emotionally exhausted. "I'll call everyone to the briefing room, let them know what's going on."

* * *

The atmosphere in the briefing room was somber. This should have been a time of celebration. The Reapers had been destroyed, Earth and the entire galaxy had been saved. But here, on the Normandy SR-2, everyone was in mourning.

Kaidan was already starting to get a little tired of the sympathetic looks everyone seemed to be casting him. He would accept them when and if, and _only_ if, they found Shepard and his worst fear was founded. But not until then.

He wasn't entirely sure when their relationship had become so public. They had been so careful at the beginning of their relationship, before the original Normandy was hit. Kaidan was not one to break regulations, but he couldn't help himself. Most nights, he found himself sneaking off to her cabin while most of the crew slept, and sneaking out just before they awoke. He'd felt like a teenager again.

His chest painfully constricted. If his instincts were wrong, he would never have that feeling again. He knew that there would never be anyone else.

Shaking his head to clear out those depressing thoughts, Kaidan cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. "We're going on a search and rescue. Amara is out there somewhere, and I won't accept anything else. I'm not going to force anyone to go with us, of course. It's completely voluntary. But I would like to put it out there that Shepard would not accept leaving any of her people behind. She would go out of her way to save any one of us." He couldn't stop his voice from breaking with emotion. He had never been the best at motivational speaking, not like Shepard. But he hoped he had made some impact.

The room was deadly silent as the Normandy's crew contemplated on what to do. "Kaidan," Liara finally whispered. "you know the likelihood of her survival is low."

"She survived the first Normandy's destruction," Tali-Zorah reminded her, sniffling. "if there is a chance, no matter how small, we need to take it. Shepard would do it for us."

"Why are you so willing to give up on her, Liara?" Kaidan demanded, bringing his fists down hard onto the table they were all gathered around. "Weren't you the one who brought Shepard to Cerberus in the first place?"

Eyes flew to the Asari, whose own eyes widened as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

That hadn't been common knowledge, apparently, and Kaidan regretted his outburst. He himself had been furious when Amara had told him about Liara handing her lifeless body over to Cerberus, but now that he was able to look at the big picture, having Shepard alive was far more important. He didn't have time to dwell on it now, he'd apologize later. "We don't know what kind of state we will find her in," he continued, bringing everyone's attention back to himself.

"We figured you could get in touch with Miranda," Garrus said, pacing the small briefing room. Now that there was a plan in motion, the Turian hadn't been able to sit still. "just in case."

Liara chewed on her bottom lip, leaning her forearms against the table. "Of course I will. But it's already been twenty-four hours. If she's still alive and hasn't been found..." she let the depressing thought trail off, her eyes resting on Kaidan. "I just think you're setting yourself up for a fall."

Kaidan shook his head. "That's why I need everyone who's willing to be on board for this. I know everyone is tired and that this is a lot to ask from you…"

"It's not."

The Major found the owner of the voice seated to his left belonging to Steve Cortez, the Normandy's shuttle pilot. He didn't know him too well, but Shepard had always spoken highly of him.

"We don't leave family behind," Cortez continued, his azure blue eyes set in determination. "Shepard's family. I'm in."

Kaidan nodded. "Thanks, Cortez."

To his right sat James Vega, his bulky, tattooed arms crossed over his chest. He was the "muscle" that had been recruited to guard Amara during her house arrest. He seemed nice enough, though maybe a little too friendly towards Shepard at times for Kaidan's liking, with his constant flirting and calling her "Lola." She had always laughed it off, much to the Major's relief.

"I'm in, too." the man said. "Can't let Esteban have all the fun."

The Major nodded his head towards the younger marine in thanks.

"I believe it's safe to say that we're all in." Doctor Karin Chakwas stated, wiping a stray tear from her grey eyes. "There's not one person aboard this ship that doesn't owe his or her life to the Commander."

"Where do we even begin?" Tali asked, wringing her hands together nervously.

"I haven't been able to establish a connection to her omni-tool since we crashed," Liara informed them, trying once again without success. "I can't get a pinpoint on her location. All we really have to go on is finding out exactly where the Citadel crash landed."

He was about to respond when the static crackling of the Normandy's comm system flared to life. "Sorry to interrupt, but there's an incoming transmission from Wrex. He says it's urgent."

"Patch him through, Joker."

"Aye, aye." he replied. "For what it's worth, I'm in, too."

"Thanks, Joker. Appreciate it."

A few moments later, a blurry image of the Krogan Battlemaster appeared before the crew. "'Bout time I got through to you pyjaks," Wrex grumbled. "Communication systems seem to be sketchy galaxy wide. I've been trying to get through for four hours. Seems like most of the relays were damaged alongside the Reapers." he paused. "What's your current position?"

"We crash landed just outside of the Sol system," Garrus informed him. "we're on our way back to Earth right now."

Wrex was silent for a moment. "I assume you're coming to look for Shepard."

Kaidan stiffened as the rest of the crew fell silent, waiting. He swallowed hard, forcing the wretched words out of his mouth. "Any sign of her? Last we heard, they still hadn't found her body, but the Alliance had declared her..."

The Krogan held up his hand, having heard enough. "We found her."

It felt like the air had been sucked out of the room. Kaidan's heart was pounding so hard and fast in his ears he just barely made out what Wrex was saying.

"She's alive. Barely."


	2. Preperations

Thank you to those who followed/favorited and/or reviewed on the first chapter! It really means a lot! I hope you enjoy this chapter, once the crew finally get back to the Sol system, things will start picking up!

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Chapter Two

-Preparations-

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"_She's alive. Barely."_

Had he not had such a firm grip on the conference table, Kaidan was fairly certain he would have collapsed to his knees in relief.

Vaguely, he could hear chatter around the briefing room, but his brain couldn't comprehend anything but the pure joy and relief that surged through his entire body. _She's alive!_ In the back of his mind, he knew he should acknowledge the "barely" part and the complications that may bring, but his brain – his heart – they weren't quite ready to bring that to light. Not yet.

A hand on his shoulder caused him to jump, pulling him from his thoughts. Looking back, he could see Garrus' equally relieved smile, his mandibles spread wide. Giving his shoulder a squeeze, he motioned his head back towards Wrex's holographic image, bringing him back to the present.

Nodding, Kaidan turned his attention back to the krogan. "How bad is she?"

Wrex shook his massive head. "Not sure. I haven't seen her myself yet. I sent Grunt and a few of my scouts to check out parts of the Citadel that the Alliance probably didn't think to check. Keeper tunnels, sewers. Baby Pyjak found her under a pile of rubble in the tunnels," the large krogan shifted his weight uncomfortably. "From what Grunt has told me, she's not good. There wasn't much left of her armor, but what _was_ left, on top of whatever the hell Cerberus did to her is the only thing that saved her life."

Kaidan cringed, the relief he had felt moments before finally dimmed as he let that information sink in. Shepard may have survived, but the extent of her injuries were still unknown. There was no guarantee that she would pull through. The thought sent a wave of sorrow and pain so acute, and agonizingly familiar, throughout his entire body.

Even if she did survive her injuries, what kind of life would she have? Amara had never been the type of woman to sit around idly. She was always moving, always keeping herself busy. What if she was never able to walk again? What if she was left in some sort of vegetative state? What if she didn't know who he was? What if...?

He gripped the edges of the table again, trying to force the horrible thoughts and images from his mind. _Stop it, Alenko,_ he chastised himself. _She's strong, she _will _make it._

As long as Amara was alive, he could work with whatever permanent injuries and disabilities she might have. If he needed to give up his career in the Alliance or as a Spectre, he would gladly do it in a heartbeat, no questions asked.

"Grunt brought her to a little makeshift hospital the Salarians set up with the Alliance." he heard Wrex explain. Kaidan really needed to get his head in the game and start paying attention. He had forgotten the krogan was still talking.

"Wait," Garrus interrupted, shifting his weight back onto his left foot as he crossed his arms in front of him. "the Alliance knows she's alive? Why haven't they bothered to contact us? They know we've been waiting for a status report. Why haven't we heard from Hackett?"

Even through the static ridden image, Kaidan could see Wrex roll his eyes, a habit he had picked up from Shepard, no doubt. "Because the Alliance engineers only just got the Sol com buoy back up and running. Unless anyone at the hospital contacted him, he doesn't know. My team only found Shepard about six hours ago, and I figured her team needed to know first before those Alliance assholes ask her to take out a thresher maw while she's out. Poor kid deserves a rest."

No one could argue with that.

"I should warn you though," the krogan barked, eyes narrowing. "Grunt informed me that there are reporters already trying to get in to see her. He tried his best to get her in without being seen, but...well. Can't really camouflage a krogan carrying a wounded human female down the street."

Kaidan had to fight to keep his anger in check. _Fucking press,_ he growled inwardly. "Noted. Thanks, Wrex."

He nodded. "I'll keep you posted on her condition. Grunt and I will make sure she stays safe and keep those asshole reporters away from her."

"We appreciate everything you're doing, Wrex," Garrus said truthfully, spreading his mandibles wide in a turian smirk. "you're not so bad, for a krogan."

To everyone's surprise, Wrex only nodded instead of firing off one of his trademark quips. Instead, he said: "Our future children owe their lives to Shepard. She's done more for my people than anyone else ever has. That's a debt we can never repay. Keeping her safe is the least we can do."

* * *

Kaidan's head was pounding. Not only was he a rollercoaster of emotions and nerves, but he hadn't really slept since the night before they hit Earth, and not from a lack of trying. The few precious moments of REM sleep he'd managed to get were all that was keeping him sane.

He hadn't been able to force himself to sleep in Shepard's bed – _their_ bed – since she had been gone, and had resigned himself to sleeping (or trying to at least) on the couch. It held too many memories, memories he wasn't quite ready to relive just yet. It was too painful.

Kaidan almost felt as if he were invading her privacy, being here, in her cabin, surrounded by her personal belongings. Sure, he had brought some his own personal effects with him when she asked him to share the room with her, but everything screamed Amara. Her scent still lingered in the air, and that was of some small comfort. But he couldn't pull himself away.

Heading down to the crew deck, he was relieved to see Dr. Chakwas was still awake and moving around in the medbay. It was late, and most of the crew were already asleep, resting for the long journey back to Earth. Walking over to the window, he tapped the back of his knuckle against it to get her attention.

Startled, Dr. Chakwas gave him a polite, tired smile and gestured for him to enter. "Another migraine, Major?"

He nodded, rubbing the back of his hand over his forehead. "Can't seem to get rid of them lately." Looking around the room, he could see boxes and equipment scattered about.

Before he could ask, Chakwas turned to him. "Need a painkiller?"

"If you don't mind, doc."

The older woman looked him over, sympathy and concern etched into her features as she pulled on a pair of gloves. "Not at all, Major. I've been meaning to check up on your burns anyway. Please, have a seat."

He nodded as he hoisted himself onto one of the uncomfortable beds.

The doctor gave him an incredulous look. "Pants off, Major. Shirt, too. I want to check those burns as well." she paused, rolling her eyes at his groan of protest and pleading brown eyes. "Don't look at me like that, I get enough of it from Garrus. It won't work."

Kaidan chuckled as he carefully slid his pants and shirt off, trying very hard to push down the embarrassment. Modesty was something soldiers had to say goodbye to when they enlisted, but he had never quite gotten past it and probably never would. "He still giving you a hard time?"

"Of course. He and Shepard were always my worst patients. Stubborn as hell." She sighed, and Kaidan could hear and feel the sadness in her voice. "I always hated having them both in here at the same time. Drove me insane. Now..." her voice trailed off.

Silence settled around them as the doctor examined the burns on his left thigh; applying medi-gel and replacing the bandages. "These are healing quite nicely," she informed him as she straightened her posture so that she could check the wounds on his face and neck. "You may have a few new scars to add to your collection, but nothing major, Major. But you've still got a long ways to go if you're trying to out do Garrus."

He snorted. "Wasn't exactly high priority on my list of lifetime achievements, no. If Garrus wants to go around and attract krogan woman, that's his prerogative."

Chakwas chuckled and was about to respond when Kaidan interrupted her with a yawn. She frowned, noticing, not for the first time, the bags under his eyes. "Perhaps a sedative would do you some good, Kaidan. I know you haven't slept. Your migraines will only get worse if you don't take care of yourself."

He allowed himself a small smile, a sound that was more sigh than a laugh escaping his lips involuntarily. "You sound just like Shepard."

Chakwas gave him a sad smile of her own in return as she gently probed the healing burns on his face with agile, gentle fingers. "I'm sure she was just projecting my rants about her health onto you. She heard plenty of them from me over the years."

She finished applying the medi-gel to his facial wounds and took a step back, admiring her work as she removed her tainted gloves. "Give me a moment and I'll get the sedative and pain killer for you."

"So what's with the mess, doc? Planning on going somewhere?" he finally asked, taking in the mess strewn about in the normally immaculate medbay.

Bending down to search through one of the cabinets, Chakwas snorted. "Heavens no. I'm just doing inventory count. I assume we'll be bringing Shepard on board soon enough, and I want to make sure we're…" her voice cut off, ending in what sounded like a muffled sob.

"You okay, doc?' he asked, concerned. He watched as Chakwas slowly stood back up, one hand placed over her mouth with what appeared to be a bottle of Serrice Ice brandy in the other. He frowned, confused. "Everything okay?"

Sniffling, the doctor turned back to him, unshed tears in her eyes. "B-back when we were working with Cerberus, Shepard bought a bottle of Serrice Ice brandy for me to replace the one I lost when the Normandy went down." she paused, wiping an escaping tear from her cheek. "We made a pact that we would share one every year from then on. This time it was my turn to buy." her voice cracked slightly. "Amara wanted to save it for our victory over the reapers."

Kaidan's throat constricted painfully. He had to swallow several times and take a deep breath before he could speak. "You'll get the chance, doc."

She nodded, a small, sad smile playing on her lips. She placed the bottle back where she found it and straightened again after finding what she was originally looking for and pressed the palms of her hands to her cheeks to patting them dry. "My apologies, Kaidan. I do my best to be professional and keep my emotions in check. But…" she paused again, glanced away. "Shepard has become very much like a daughter to me. I care for her very much."

He smiled. "I know you do, doc. So do I."

Chakwas' smile was warm now, chuckling softly. Grabbing a clean pair of gloves, she readied the syringe that contained his salvation for the migraine and sleep deprivation. "Believe me, I _know_ you do, Major. You made that perfectly clear after Eden Prime."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow, his face flaming with embarrassment. "Uh...I wasn't that bad, was I?"

She gave him an amused, knowing look as she made her way back to him. "Kaidan, you spent the entire fifteen hours she was out by her bedside. The only time you left were for bathroom breaks. It was pretty obvious." she smiled, rubbing an alcohol pad over the intended injection area. "And it was very sweet."

Comfortable silence engulfed them as she injected the sedative, grinning at his muffled wince as the needle pinched his skin. "Give that about twenty minutes and you should be able to get a good nights rest, migraine free."

He nodded as he pulled his clothes back on. "Listen, doc. What are your plans once we get back to Earth?"

She looked thoughtful for a moment, considering. "Well, I suppose it will depend on Shepard's condition and the hospital's resources. I'll help there wherever and however I can. After that…" she shrugged. "who knows? Why do you ask?"

He sighed. "I may be getting a little head of my self here, but I have a proposition for you," he informed her, tugging his shirt back into place.

She raised a perfect silver eyebrow as she disposed of the needle in a nearby biohazard bin and tossed the used gloves in the trash. "Oh?" she asked, interest piqued.

He leaned against the gurney, crossing his arms over his chest. "I was able to get in touch with my mom after we spoke with Wrex. She owns an orchard in Vancouver, in the B.C. interior, and I was considering taking Shepard there once she's been discharged from the hospital." he paused, taking a ragged breath, not wanting to think about the possibilities, but needing to be prepared, just in case. "It's safe, secluded. She won't have to worry about reporters tracking her down there. I know it's a lot to ask, but depending on her injuries, she may need round-the-clock medical care, and I can't think of anyone else that Amara, or myself, would trust at her side."

The doctor's smile was warm and affectionate as she clasped her hands behind her. "I would be honored, Major. I accept."

Kaidan grinned, relief bubbling in his chest. "Thank you, Karin. That...that means a lot. I know Shepard will be grateful." he yawned, feeling the effects of the medication starting to kick in. "I know it's not an official Alliance posting, but I will pay you for your services, of course…"

Chakwas held up a hand to stop his rambling. "I'm insulted, Major." she said, though the words lacked any bite to them. "I'm doing this for you and Shepard. Not the money."

He felt his throat constrict again as he stared at this selfless, remarkable woman. For all of the things she had done for the Normandy and the crew, for himself, and for Shepard, and she was still more than willing to keep on giving. She and Shepard were so alike in many ways. "My parents have a guest house on the property that you can use as you see fit. You'll have free reign of the facilities -"

She chuckled, walking over to him and placed both hands on his shoulders. "Relax, Kaidan. I've already accepted, you don't have to keep trying to talk me into it." she grinned and gave his shoulders a fond squeeze. "Now, go get some sleep before you fall over. We've got a long journey ahead of us, and Amara is going to need you rested and at full strength."

"Yes, ma'am."

Exiting the medbay, Kaidan headed back towards the elevator to head back up to the cabin, feeling more relaxed than he had in days. _I might actually get some sleep tonight, _he thought as he stretched himself out on the couch.

They still had six more days before they would hit the Sol system, but things were in motion. It was going to be an agonizing journey, but for now, Kaidan had hope, and that was far more than what a lot of people had right now.


	3. Restricted

**Author's Note: First of all, I'm extremely sorry it's taken me so long to get this chapter out. I've had a bit of writer's block when it came to this story, but now I'm back! I'm going to try to work out a schedule and try to update my stories once a week. I can't make any promises, though. I DO promise, however, that this story has NOT been abandoned and you should expect more frequent updates in the future :)**

**Thank you so much to those who have followed, favorited, and left reviews. They mean the world to me and keep me motived and encouraged. I apologize for any errors that I might have missed. I've found myself without a beta for my Mass Effect and Star Wars fics. If anyone is interested in filling said position, the spot is open!**

***EDIT* Since I cannot respond to guest reviews here, I have added a page to my Tumblr where you can find the answers to your questions and I can put your fears to rest :) You can find the link in my profile (since I can't seem to get the link to work on here).**

**Now, onward!**

* * *

**Chapter Three**

**Restricted**

* * *

Joker's estimated time of arrival had been...optimistic at best. When the Normandy crash landed after escaping the Crucible's blast, some of the internal instrumentation had been pretty severely damaged. Most of them had been quick, easy fixes, but others, not so much.

Without EDI's diagnostic scans, the crew was forced to try to pinpoint each damaged sector manually. They'd managed to get enough up and running to get the Normandy safely airborne, while all minor problems were still being worked on.

But between Tali, Adams, Gabby, and Ken things were moving along swiftly. They were even working to get EDI back online, much to Joker's immense relief, no doubt.

Unfortunately, with most of the relays out of commission, the quick return to Earth they had initially estimated to take around seven days, had quickly turned into two weeks. Their supplies were dangerously low, with the exception of the Garrus and Tali's dextro supplies. The rest of the crew were down to one ration bar per day, which was definitely taking its toll on the biotic members of the crew. So far, they hadn't come across a single functioning station.

Kaidan was definitely on edge. Between constantly worrying about Amara's condition and his high metabolism burning off what little food in his system faster than he could replace it, he found himself unintentionally snapping at everyone around him. Most of the crew had the good sense to go out of their way to avoid him. Others - like Joker, who couldn't easily get up and leave - weren't so lucky.

"How much longer?" the biotic growled, not halting in his paced movements behind the pilot's seat. They were close, he could feel it.

Wrex had kept his promise to keep them as updated as he could on Shepard's progress, but they hadn't come across a working comm buoy in several days. Last time the krogan had contacted them, there had been no change in Amara's condition. She was still in a coma. They still had no clue on the extent of her injuries. Being the high-profile member of the Alliance, the salarian doctors were staying tight-lipped to anyone who wasn't immediate family or Alliance brass. And seeing as how she had no known living family members to speak of, Kaidan had a feeling that no one short of Admiral Hackett himself could get them to talk.

Alenko understood, of course. Shepard's safety was his number one concern, and he knew the salarian's reluctance to cooperate was to ensure that. While she was the one person who had saved the galaxy time after time, there were still out there that wanted her blood. Amara kept a perpetual target on her head, mostly thanks to Cerberus, or other pro-human groups.

Then, at the opposite end of the spectrum, she also had people who worshiped the ground she walked on. People like Conrad Verner. They were only slightly easier to deal with, but no less stressful. There was always someone who wanted to kill his girlfriend or get into her pants.

He wasn't thrilled with either scenario.

Joker sighed. He liked Alenko, but the man was driving him insane with his constant pacing. Yeah, so he had fucked up the ETA, but it wasn't _his_ fault. He hadn't been prepared for every damn relay to be rendered nonfunctional. He also hadn't anticipated that the fuel stations would be all but gone. The pilot had been forced to slow their pace to reserve fuel. It wasn't like _he_ particularly enjoyed flying like a grandpa on a Sunday afternoon.

He did his best not to let his irritation show, however. He couldn't exactly blame the man. Hell, he was just squirming in his seat to get to Shepard, too, so he could only imagine the immense irritation Kaidan was feeling. And no one liked to deal with a hungry biotic. "Another hour until we hit Earth's atmosphere."

Kaidan let out a ragged breath. They were so, _so_ close. In just a few hours, he would be with her, even if she didn't know he was there.

He placed a hand on Joker's shoulder. "Thanks," he said quietly. "I'm sorry if I've been a huge pain in the ass."

"Don't worry about it. We're used to it around these parts."

The biotic snorted. "Gee, thanks."

"Anytime, Alenko."

Deciding not to annoy the pilot further, the Major decided to head down to the mess hall to see if he could scrounge up some coffee. His stomach growled at him in protest; it wanted solid food, not liquid.

He couldn't wait to get back home, back to Vancouver. Just the thought of one of his mama's homemade steak sandwiches had his mouth watering. It had been far too long since he'd been home, and he couldn't wait to see his parents. He had been elated when his mother informed him that his father had returned once the war ended and was no worse for wear.

Things were definitely looking up. His father was safe, and Shepard was alive. It was a lot more than he could ever ask for.

As the elevator opened to the crew deck, Kaidan could hear excited chatter coming from the mess hall. He spotted Tali and Garrus seated at one of the tables. The quarian had her omni-tool on and shoved in the turian's face.

"See? Kal's alive!" she exclaimed as he rounded the corner and headed for the small kitchen area. "He's going to meet me on Earth after we visit Shepard." she paused, wringing her hands together. "Is it wrong of me to feel happy about this, with so many dead and Shepard's still lying unconscious in a hospital?"

Garrus chuckled and patted his friend on the back. "Not at all, Tali," his mandibles flared slightly into a turian version of a grin. "Spirits know, after everything we've been through, we take any good news we can get and celebrate. Amara's alive, that is what matters. You know she would consider shooting you for thinking like that. She wants you to be happy."

Tali giggled. "You're right, she would." She looked up then, spotting Kaidan and nodded in greeting. "Any news on how much longer we have?"

Grabbing his mug, he tried not to let himself think of how long the black liquid had been sitting there as he poured himself a cup before joining them at the table. "Joker says another hour or so." he took a sip, wrinkling his nose at the cold, bitter taste.

"Thank the Spirits," Garrus mumbled. "Not sure how much longer I could stand cooped up on this ship. There's only so many times I can run firing algorithms before even I go mad."

Kaidan and Tali chuckled. "It'll definitely be nice to stretch my legs," the biotic agreed. "The Normandy's big, but it begins to feel a bit cramped after so long."

_Not to mention lonely, _he thought miserably.

The trio continued to banter back and forth for a while until Tali's omni-tool pinged, causing the quarian to let out a squeal of happiness. "It's Kal," she informed them as she stood from the table. "I'll see you guys when we land."

The guys laughed as the love-struck quarian practically ran from the room towards the elevator. When he heard the elevator doors close, he turned back to Garrus. "You know, I always thought you and Tali would have gotten together."

The turian snorted as he crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair. "We tried, but it just didn't work out. Both of our hearts are, well, elsewhere I guess."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

He shrugged. "Tali's always had a thing for Reeger," he explained, his mandibles twitching with amusement. "When we ran into them on Haestrom, they made it quite obvious there was something between them. Not that Tali would ever admit it."

"And you?"

Garrus' grin slowly faded, his mandibles pressed tightly against his face, and suddenly, Kaidan felt like a heel for asking. The turian just shook his head, rising from his chair. "It doesn't matter." he cleared his throat. "We should probably go ready the shuttles. We should be getting close."

Kaidan frowned, but followed his friend to the elevator and down into the shuttlebay. Chances are, they wouldn't be able to find a suitable landing zone near the hospital, and would need the Kodiaks to transport the team. The Major felt a mixture of excitement and nervousness settle in the pit of his stomach the closer they got to Earth, and to Amara.

* * *

Forty-five minutes later, the entire Normandy's crew were standing outside of the makeshift hospital, staring wide-eyed at the scene before them.

It was midday in London, and the hospital was surrounded by both reporters and Alliance soldiers alike. The soldiers were doing their best to keep the reporters at bay, just as a group of krogans stepped in, forcing the over excited journalists back a step. Kaidan was about to laugh when he heard one of the reporters shout, "We heard Commander Shepard woke up today! Can you confirm or deny these rumors?"

Kaidan knew that voice, and it sent a spark of anger through his body and his blood run cold. Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani. The woman had done nothing but try to smear Amara's name in the mud since the fight with Saren. Kaidan had never been one to hit a woman, but if he was, al-Jilani would have been the one on the receiving end of one.

_But wait, was she right? Was Shepard finally awake?_

A somewhat familiar voice drowned out any responses al-Jilani may have gotten, and a cloud of blue biotic energy could be seen over the crowd. "You take one step near the Commander and I will smear the walls with your blood, bitch."

Garrus couldn't help but laugh. "That sounds an awful lot like Jack."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. He remembered the tattooed woman from Shepard's party on the Citadel. He didn't know her well, but had gotten the impression that she was fiercely loyal to Amara, which according to Garrus and Tali, was a rare occurrence for the powerful biotic. It made him feel better to know that the woman that he loved had people here to protect her in his absence.

Pushing their way through the crowd, they found Jack and to their surprise, Grunt at the head of the krogan barricade.

Spotting the large group, Jack's brown eyes widened in surprise. "Garrus? Tali? Fuck, I didn't know you guys made it." she hopped down from the stairs, shooting the reporters another death glare before joining them. An evil grin spread on her lips as she spotted Joker, supporting himself against Vega's large frame. "Aww, what's the matter, Joker? Too good to come say hello to your good friend Jack?"

The pilot snorted. "Yeah, yeah. You just keep yourself and your biotics over there, if you don't mind. I don't really feel like being used as target practice today."

The last time they had seen each other had been at Shepard's party. Jack was pretty wasted and had gotten more than a little annoyed when Joker had refused to dance with EDI. So, she had taken it upon herself to use her biotics to _force_ him to dance.

Two cracked ribs and four broken toes later, she'd finally let him go. Needless to say, they hadn't parted on the best of terms.

"So, is it true?" Kaidan asked, hoping to defuse any argument that might ensue. "Is Shepard awake?"

Jack turned her attention away from the Flight Lieutenant to him, and shook her head regretfully. "I don't think so. They haven't let us in to see her, but I overheard the one of the docs saying Shepard had a seizure earlier. I'm no doctor, but it sounded pretty bad."

"They wheeled her back for another surgery about an hour ago." Grunt informed them, coming up to stand next to Jack. "Didn't say what for."

"Goddess," Liara gasped, a hand coming up to cover her mouth.

Kaidan heart sank. He didn't wait around to hear anything else that was said. He forced his way through the crowd and into the hospital, determined to get to Shepard, and to get answers.

He ignored the salutes from his fellow Alliance soldiers as he pushed his way through the people. Vaguely, he wish he had taken the time to ask Jack and Grunt what floor they had her on.

"Fifth floor." Garrus said as he came up behind him. "Amara's on the fifth floor."

They quickly made their way up the stairs to the fifth floor. Spotting a sign reading 'Intensive Care Unit,' they followed the arrow that pointed them to the patients rooms. They skidded to a halt when a couple of armed guards stepped into their path. He barely registered the sounds of pounding feet that stopped as abruptly as he had.

"Hold it," one of the men ordered firmly. "This is a restricted area. Only doctors, nurses, and immediate family are allowed here. Name?"

The guards weren't wearing Alliance colors, so Kaidan had to assume they were simply hired on as security. "I'm Major Kaidan Alenko, Alliance."

His suspicions were proven right when they didn't immediately salute. "Who are you looking for?" the second guard ask, his tone a little more friendly than his sullen counterpart.

He was about to respond when the first guard spoke up. "Alenko? Weren't you part of Commander Shepard's team? That who you're looking for?"

"Yes," he tossed his head back towards Garrus and the rest of the crew that had finally caught up to them. "We're all apart of Shepard's crew. We'd like to see her."

Guard number one, who's name tag read Reynolds, shook his head. "I'm afraid we can't allow that. As I said, only hospital personal and immediate family members are allowed in this section of the hospital. We're going to have to ask you to leave."

"This is loco," Kaidan heard James growl somewhere towards the back of the group.

"But Kaidan is Shepard's partner. Doesn't that count for something?" Garrus asked, his voice incredulous. He turned and gestured to Dr. Karin Chakwas. "We also have Shepard's attending doctor with us. This is Dr. Chakwas."

Guard number two, Grimes, gave them an apologetic look, and gave a nod of greeting to the doctor. "I'm sorry, Major. If you two were married, it would be a different story. But unfortunately, if you're not legally married or a blood relative, we can't let you through. The doctor can go through, though."

Karin nodded and turned to Kaidan. "I'll go back and see what I can learn and let you know what's going on. I promise I'll do what I can to get you clearance. In the meantime, you guys should find something to eat while you wait."

Kaidan ran an agitated hand through his hair as he reluctantly agreed. He watched as Reynolds led the doctor through the double doors and out of his sight. Sighing, he turned back to Grimes. "Is there a place here we can grab some food? A cafeteria maybe? Or somewhere nearby?"

He nodded. "Ground floor Take a left off of the elevator and follow the hallway down. You'll see a sign when you get there." he glanced towards Garrus and Tali. "Pretty sure they have dextro meals as well."

Defeated, Kaidan nodded his thanks as the crew headed back downstairs. At least the rest of them could get something to eat. He was fairly sure he wouldn't be able to keep anything down until he heard from Chakwas again.

He just hoped it was soon.


End file.
